Motivation and balance…

I am feeling like I am losing my motivation. Here came that moment, when I sit back and start thinking, what am I doing it all for? Why am I thinking about healthy foods, decline unhealthy but oh so yummy (sometimes) stuff, try to squeeze in an hour or at least 45-50 minutes of workout a day almost every day? Am I really enjoying myself? Am I enjoying the results? Am I doing it for some sick vanity reason in pursue of thinner body? Or am I actually doing it to feel better? And if so, do I feel better? Isn’t it better to stop thinking about any of this stuff and simply let everything go, eat whatever you want and like, drink whatever you want and like, enjoy couch-potato-ing on weekends? Or is giving up simply easier, and not necessarily better?

My best friend once mentioned that her dad said “You women are always either gaining weight or losing weight”… And isn’t it true for oh so many women? Have I also joined the wide-spread paranoia of pursuit for and obsession with small sizes, flat stomachs and tiny butts? And when I reflect on all that – all these tendencies in women are shaped by A) insecurities; and B) media. Yes, it is all about what is actually beauty, what is considered beauty – and that has become a very popular and important topic on so many of the TAM-bloggers I follow… What indeed is beauty?

All bodies are different... Is size 0 really beautiful?!

 It is quite unnerving to have all these question pop into one’s head, when this one has taken on a challenge, which essentially is about losing weight and bringing inches off. So after so many years of being able to proudly say “I don’t care, I like myself just the way I am” – and I have to be honest here, I meant it - I came to the point, when I think "Oh man, I should lose some more weight". Yes, I sometimes felt a little uncomfortable in a bikini, but overall, I never had anything to complain about, and I liked myself. I tend to have this annoying general positivity, which doesn’t allow me to feel insecure and beat myself up for too long. Hence, even when I felt bad, the feeling would go away pretty fast. So all in all, I can’t say I have ever felt like I needed to go on diet, like I was not living my life well. I enjoyed my days and never regretted my decisions (or almost never), I love burgers and coke, and never gave a damn about how many calories I consumed. Regardless, I was happy. And it was easy not to care.

Then one day came when I got into a hospital. And no, don’t get me wrong. I am not going to have a dramatic tale of my past. I never had any eating or personality disorders (and I do respect and truly am amazed by all those women who overcome their problems and fight their disorders – that requires more strength than fighting an enemy!). I got to a hospital for an all-round check of my digestive system, as I developed strong stomach aches. Turned out I had a defected valve (one of them, no point to be more precise here) and while I don’t understand exactly what it means, after a course of medication I was advised to change my diet completely. The diet had to eliminate anything fatty and fried, anything containing fresh onions, garlic, peppers, radishes, lemons and some other stuff. No 'sparkling' anything (soda, water or champagne). There were some more restrictions – or rather advices, I didn’t have to follow them, but after experiencing the type of bloating and stomach aches I used to have, I was ready to do anything to never ever have them again. So I followed the diet. This was 3 years ago. Since then I never had aches as strong as before. I still have some minor aches sometimes – and I think it is because of some food indigestion – but those are nothing compared to what I used to have.

My eating habits have changed tremendously, and I started to feel better. That can’t be wrong right? And then there was this fateful Christmas holiday at home couple months ago. One simple thing changed in me during those couple of weeks, I simply observed my parents. They are great and talented people (both doctors of science, dad in chemistry and physics, mum – in pedagogy), they are also fun and sweet, and I love them so, but they are also the champions of couch-potato-ing… I observed them and their life… And realised I might end up like them as well, and I didn’t want to. And it is not only about being overweight and inactive (though honestly, for me that is already quite a lot), it is about the consequences obesity has: cardio-vascular and heart diseases risks are extremely high. Due to inactivity, your joints and bones and muscles become rusty as well with age - exercise does help! And it was at my parents' house that I thought: "I want to have a healthy life, up to old age". And while it is so hard to change habits when you are in your 50’s, I might as well start now, so that I get used to the new lifestyle and never go back to it again. And I started looking for a fitness program, which would work for a lazy and unorganised person like me.

So I started TAM and Meta not because I was just not comfortable in my own skin and wanted to be 10 pounds less. The initial reason was to change a lifestyle. So now every time I start thinking “God, did I get on the same wagon of slim-madness???!!!” I stop myself and think “No, you want to be healthier and exercise, get a habit of exercising every day or every other day. And getting a fitter body on the way is a logical consequence”. So I stop myself – forcefully – from obsessing over eating just 100 calories more – I munch on chocolate and nuts, and keep my mind happy and sane. I don’t say no to the stuff I like. Simply with years I started liking healthier and healthier stuff. I do sometimes crave for fast food. I do. But then I think – hey I better have a home-made burger than get anything from MacDonald’s… At least I would make sure the burger is not fried, and I use a lot of lettuce and tomatoes… I can be healthier, without denying myself too much, without feeling unhappy for denying some things. And for every little victory I praise myself.

It is so easy to say – I know – balance is the most important… It is so much harder to actually balance life in reality. Hence, every little step you make towards you own balance, towards the world which is free of your insecurities and is a happy place, where you feel happy, loved and loving yourself – you have to value and treasure those steps. Enjoy every minute and don’t let the negative thinking shrink you to a boring unhappy miserable self. You are the person who can change yourself, and even if you start a change for all the wrong reasons, at least appreciate the change for all the right ones.

This is how I think whenever I get obsessed with my weight or measurements, or I think that I can see more of my love handles… It doesn’t matter. I silence myself and think: I am changing my life, so that it is more healthy, happy and long. What else should I wish for?

Anyone else has problems with balancing your life, workouts, what you think of yourself and body image?